whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.