He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Dating After Heartbreak
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.