i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.