searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
25 People Didn’t Realize They Were Talking To Someone Famous
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy