I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night