i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.