I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
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She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
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i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.