mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
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I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
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is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.