I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
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I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
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At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.