We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
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I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
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Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.