Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis