come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
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Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
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My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up