I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
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We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
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She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class