You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister