Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
god, I love you
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."