i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
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The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
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You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life