Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.