I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.