Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.