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Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
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