im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.