Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
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she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
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Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"