Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus