OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.