o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.