Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.