Texts From Last Night

Last Night in Missouri (417)

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  (417): View more from Missouri

  My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.

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  (417): My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong. http://tfl.nu/opsu
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.

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  (417): I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat. http://tfl.nu/8r9j
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  on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.

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  (417): on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there. http://tfl.nu/xvnw
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  My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.

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  (417): My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys. http://tfl.nu/a4t1
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  oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler

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  (417): oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler http://tfl.nu/3vc3
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  I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

  (1-417): View more from Missouri

  That's because you are an idiot.

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  (417): I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot. (1-417): That's because you are an idiot. http://tfl.nu/6gwl
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  Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.

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  (417): Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library. http://tfl.nu/8guv
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  quadriplegic porn is always funny

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  no. no its not

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  (417): quadriplegic porn is always funny (832): no. no its not http://tfl.nu/0tdp
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  p.s. you have a small clit

  (1-417): View more from Missouri

  YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.

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  (417): p.s. you have a small clit (1-417): YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE. http://tfl.nu/402d
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  I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.

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  (417): I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it. http://tfl.nu/weos
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  I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.

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  I can't feel my brain.

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  (417): I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison. (417): I can't feel my brain. http://tfl.nu/qap9
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!

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  wasnt one 13?

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  (417): we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT! (806): wasnt one 13? http://tfl.nu/mo38
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  (417): View more from Missouri

  so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?

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  (417): so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra? http://tfl.nu/rm09
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  Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?

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  (417): Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted? http://tfl.nu/v1i6
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  He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...

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  (417): He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night... http://tfl.nu/cdml
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