i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?