i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Dating After Heartbreak
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?