He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Dating After Heartbreak
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.