she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
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Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
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I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships