On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.