My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did