this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.