farters have to be the big spoon...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
