I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
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Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
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I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing