I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.