THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
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You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
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Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.