The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence