I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.