hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex