You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
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I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
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I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.