turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
