My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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