8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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