Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize
