I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
