My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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