I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
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