if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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