Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
