I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
