planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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