How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
