My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Randomize
