he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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