I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
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